I’m very happy everything turned out well for your family when your son’s life was in hanging in the balance.

What haunts me so much is that the decision I made to protect my daughter from a dangerous situation actually resulted in her death, even though it was the most loving and logical decision anyone could have made at the time. It seemed like the perfect solution. I realized some months later that the high anxiety (more like dread) I was feeling in the 20 minutes before this happened was because, as her mother, I sensed something catastrophic coming our way and I didn’t recognize it as an intuition at the time. This lack of recognition limited my options in protecting her. I thought I was just being a mom exercising a normal amount of caution; but it was something much more.

Losing a child is beyond anything words can describe. As a parent, you feel guilty no matter what role you did or didn’t play in it. But, in my case, it felt and still feels like a doubt hit of cruelty that in the process of protecting my child, the decision I made cost her very life. I’ve internalized it to the point of thinking I must be such as terrible person that I deserved this pain, despite the fact that there is no evidence of being a terrible person. I know it’s irrational to think this way but it just keep coming up again and again.

I’ve heard people say, it’s was her time. And sometimes I think that must be true. But what throws me off with this is that she, at the age of 21 months, had premonitions of her death in the weeks preceding it, things that we didn’t understand until after she was killed. She was seeing her death in her dreams and crying for the person who accidentally killed her, not to. She had never before woken up in this kind of distress. This happened 2 or 3 times that I witnessed and possibly more when I was out of the room during her nap.
If it was her time, why was she begging to live? She was clearly happy with her life, but if she was consciously nearing the end, why would she have so much resistance? Babies and young children live in so much more consciousness than we think. It’s difficult to imagine that a being so young would be so far removed from knowing she was to be here for just a short time. She was still so connected with Source.

I don’t expect anyone to be able to answer these questions with certainty, but despite the years that have gone by, I still feel so destroyed by the traumas of my life. This particular experience goes way beyond what we normally think of as trauma and, yes, I have all the symptoms of PTSD. Many times during the day, I think that I can’t hold on another moment of feeling this way.
Despite being in the healing arts for many many years and so effectively helping others, I haven’t been able to resolve my own deep traumas and move forward in a way that reflects real healing. My mental and physical conditions have never been so precarious.

When people try to help, they are never able to tell me things I don’t know already or offer something that can help shift my energy and motivate me to take better care of myself, to surrender (even though I’ve experience the joy of ultimate surrender in my life), to transform, transmute, and release.

I will continue to read the other sections of your postings. If you have some insight that feels very clear to you, I would appreciate hearing it.